According to the findings of barrister Mary OToole there were 884 alleged abusers in 42 orders which ran or still run schools Some 590 of those were recorded in special schools involving 190 alleged abusers These were not places of haven they were battlefields and there was only ever one winner When its all reported as mere statistics and numbers it somewhat cushions and detracts from the reality of the personal horror and depravity of the alleged abuses when of course it shouldnt Like many thousands of men and women my age and many both younger and older I spent hours this week scrolling through the orders named and the locations perhaps in the hope that my own secondary school might not be there I was surprised but not shocked when it appeared on the screen I went to the Christian Brothers Many of their schools are named in the report I wasnt sexually abused but there are three allegations directed at three alleged abusers at my old school My mind went into recall mode like a pack of flash cards trying to recall who they might have been While this is an inquiry that focuses specifically on sexual abuse lets not allow the physical violence of those days to go unchecked the sheer horror of witnessing attacks on young boys on a scale I could never have imagined has stayed with me all my life Haunting memories I can recall a 14yearold boy in my class being punched unconscious by one teacher another flung against the blackboard so hard he arrived into school the following morning with his arm in a sling A leather strap often with sewnin coins to deliver a harder blow was mostly the preferred choice of punishment I recall one boy taking a swipe of it across the face Another boy who wet his shorts while being slapped so many times I lost count was made take off his crested pullover and wipe up the urine only then to be told by the teacher to put the jumper back on The insatiable desire by some teachers to punish at every opportunity knew no bounds Scrolling further through the schools and colleges listed in the 700page report I was searching for the name of another religious order for a college where I was sexually abused And there it was a college I had visited in the midlands one summer in the early 1970s on a boy scout holiday My abuser told me that if I divulged our little secret to anyone that I would die a horrible death and would spend eternity burning in the flames of hell Around the time of my abuse Canon Sydney MacEwan and the Cork Childrens Choir were in the charts with a song called Suffer Little Children based on lines from the gospel of Matthew I hated it so much it made me weep every time I heard it on radio Its haunting tones of childrens voices made me cringe ironically at a time when Gary Glitter was captivating audiences with Im The Leader of the Gang I Am Its impossible for someone who has never been sexually abused or raped as a young child to imagine what the lifelong effects of such merciless brutality can be like Apart from the physical pain abuse reshapes how a young childs mind develops and these shifts are lifechanging It affects their sense of selfworth and their ability to trust others in many cases everyone Theres a huge sense of betrayal felt and this often manifests itself in their relationships for the rest of their lives Perhaps the worst aftermath of sexual abuse is the deep prolonged shame and guilt When youre forced into keeping your abuse a secret with damning consequences if you break the silence the invisible pain you carry can push you over the edge which is why suicide is often the end result of an abuse victims misery Many spoke with very real sadness of the impact of telling their elderly parents of their experiences according to the inquiry As US lawyer and life coach Iyanla Vanzant says Family is supposed to be our safe haven Very often its where we find the deepest heartache Living within a family setting can often become impossible for someone who has experienced sexual abuse because often other members of the family dont know how to react or are simply getting on with their own lives Participants described being molested stripped naked raped and drugged amidst an atmosphere of terror and silence the report says Many of those who spoke to the inquiry believe that what was happening at that time was so pervasive that it could not possibly have gone unnoticed by other staff or other members and leaders of religious orders Many participants were very clear in their belief that there had been a coverup in their schools or by the religious order and some believed there was collusion between some institutions of the State and the Church Its even more shocking to think that so many of these sexual abuse allegations took place in special schools where some of those young children were both deaf and nonverbal There are no words to describe how such vunerable children could possibly deal with the depraved doublebind perversion Would I want to be a young child again if I was given a clean slate to replace those years of my youth that were stolen from me by abuse Never Have I forgiven my abuser Of course not Why should I He never apologised to me He died many years ago a chronic alcoholic alone in London In her book Predators Paedophiles Rapists and Other Sex Offenders psychologist Anna Salter says We mute the realisation of malevolence which is too threatening to bear by turning offenders into victims themselves and by describing their behavior as the result of forces beyond their control There has been a trend in some circles in recent years to push the argument that many abusers are victims of abuse themselves and therefore should be seen in that light I dont buy into that because it appears to encourage a form of selective sympathy towards predators who have a predilection for children Despite some arguments to the contrary there is no effective rehabilitation for paedophiles Instead of spending money on therapy that has consistently failed to reverse their sick depravity there should be more resources made available to support their victims towards a more restorative life Speaking at a meeting with Jesuits in May last year Pope Francis stated that sexually abusive clerics were children of God who must be loved They deserve punishment but also deserve pastoral care A contradiction that makes no sense Even though he has promised to aggressively track down and punish Catholic clerics who abuse children his words are not helpful to abuse victims As someone who has experienced abuse whose beliefs in an unconventional god and some form of afterlife have somehow remained intact I dont believe a benevolent deity would share such views not when all theyre attempting to do is mollify the anger of those whose childhoods have been destroyed in the cruellest way Schools were never havens For all those victims of child abuse they were the closest thing to a living hell imaginable